The household as an institution is in shambles today, and many won’t lift a finger to do anything about it. Christians cover over the ruins of the household with wispy platitudes about God’s grace or not wanting to be legalists, or how the chruch is the true family–which means I can hang out with my friends instead of my kids and wife–as long as my friends go to church. Now is the time for men of God to lead their families to be thriving little outposts of the Kingdom of Christ on earth. There is almost nothing that rivals this task in importance for you, treat it accordingly. The Proverbs are a treasure of wisdom that will lead us out of this mess, containing riches of guidance on parenting and family so that we can cultivate homes and families shaped by God’s wisdom. Let’s sumarize what the Proverbs say about parenting.
Parenting By Example And Instruction
Parents lead by both instruction and example. First let’s consider our example. Proverbs 20:7 says, “The righteous who walks in his integrity—blessed are his children after him!” Righteousness and integrity come out of your feet; they are lived, not just spoken. If your religion is only for Sunday, your kids will see that in a second. In many ways, we reproduce who we are and what we love more than what we say. This is not to minimize speaking truth—it’s essential—but we must also model faithful living. This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect; it means your children should see how a Christian lives and strives, confesses and repents, changes and grows. You won’t be a better parent than you are a Christian. In other words, if you put very little effort into walking in integrity, there is no amount of parenting tips that will make you a good parent. Your integrity is a blessing to your children, you should give that gift to them. Live among your family with a genuine faith before God, striving for righteousness, walking with integrity.
Parents also lead by instruction. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” The idea of training communicated in this Proverb is seen in mothers who rubbed dates into the mouths of their babies to get them to suck, and also of bridles in horses’ mouths. The idea is that you are to prepare your kids to respond to things in the way they need to. Kids don’t know what to do or how to respond and react to things. It is your job to think about it and guide them to respond to all things as a Christian would. This is an important part of your job in discipling them. Training takes time, repetition, and consistency. It includes addressing sin and rebellion when it first appears, and correcting wrong reactions a million times over.
And it applies especially to God and worship. We are not called to show our children different religious options and let them choose for themselves. That is a pagan idea. Yahweh commands us to teach His ways to our children, that they should have no other gods before Him. This proverb is true that if you train them in the way they should go, they will not depart from it. It is true because your training it is a means God chooses to work through for your children’s good. Ultimately, the only thing that will bring your children to Christ, or keep them there, is the work of God. Knowing that, we keep in mind that He uses parents faithfully loving their children as one of his instruments in bringing children to himself, and we make that one of our greatest aims in life.
Spanking with The Rod
One of the main ways we train our children, especially when they are young, is with the rod of correction. Proverbs has lots to say about this, so we will examine a few verses that show us the motive of spanking, the method of spanking, and the goal of spanking. But first, what is the rod? It is a symbol of physical discipline and authority, used by shepherds to direct sheep. Parents have authority over their children and are commanded to carry out physical discipline. Everywhere you turn today, people will say this is wrong or bad. But those people do not know what they are talking about, and their kids are probably horribly behaved. But this doesn’t stop them from dispensing advice. As soon as we had kids we started getting free parenting magazines in the mail full of unbiblical advice about discipline. A family member of ours was charged by her doctor not to discipline her kids physically. We see examples on TV and in movies, in academic books and lectures telling us not to do this. The American Academy of Pediatrics strongly urges parents not to use any form of physical discipline. But even though there are many voices telling us not to spank our kids, God’s voice should outweigh them all. We are not talking about angry retaliation or breaking loose. We are talking about controlled, specific, measured spanking for the good of our children.
Motive for Spanking: Love and Hope
The motive of spanking our kids is love. Proverbs 13:24 says, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” The motive is not anger or retaliation; the motive is love. To refuse to discipline your child with the rod is to hate him. This is not a suggestion. Ted Tripp calls spanking a rescue mission. Communicate this to your children—explain what you are doing and why.
There is also hope. Proverbs 19:18 says, “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.” Discipline your son because there is hope. Parents may sometimes feel like there is no hope. Some have said it seems like it isn’t working. But hope is for things you don’t see. Who hopes for what he already has? We are hoping to train them in the way they should go so that when they are old, they will not depart from it. This takes faith, to continue doing what God has said, even if you don’t see immediate results. Spanking your kids may seem like it is doing nothing for months on end, but you do it by faith in God’s word, and I can tell you that it works profoundly well.
Method of Spanking
Discipline should not rely on mere words. Proverbs 29:19 says, “By mere words a servant is not disciplined, for though he understands, he will not respond.” This goes against many of the experts, who say we just need to use our words, but we all know that doesn’t work. Consider an illustration about the speed limit: if the speed limit says 45, how fast does everyone go? 50. Why? Because that is what is enforced. We all know they won’t give you a ticket at 49, so we adapt to what is enforced. It’s not about what you say, but what you enforce. By mere signs, a speed limit is not established, for though we understand, we will not respond. You have to enforce the words to show that you mean them. So with discipline, your children’s behavior will not match what you say, it will match what you enforce with the rod. So enforce righteousness, punish every disobedience.
Discipline should hurt. Proverbs 20:30 says, “Blows that wound cleanse away evil; strokes make clean the innermost parts.” The word “wound” here doesn’t refer to serious injury, but it certainly refers to something that hurts. The spanking, when done carefully, measured, and in love, should be felt. It should sting—not through the padded pamper, onesie, and pants. It needs to be felt.
The purpose is to rescue, not destroy. Again, Proverbs 19:18: “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.” That might sound extreme—don’t try to kill your kids—but consider the implications. Not disciplining your children sets them up for death, because you are not correcting their path; you are sending them on their way down the path that leads to death.
Discipline must be diligent. Proverbs 13:24 speaks of diligence, saying “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to disipline him.” The word used there for “diligent” is literally, “looking early.” It is like waiting for the dawn. This means you need to watch carefully for the opportunity to discipline. You can’t just catch a few random acts of disobedience and call it good. You need to be diligent, consistent—not hit or miss, not just when you feel like it. If you only discipline when you feel like it, you shouw that you’re doing it for your selfish ends. If you only spank them when they are getting on your nerves, then you are doing it for your good, not for your child’s good or God’s glory. Repent of that, and discipline them for their good with all diligence and consistency.
I have heard some people over the years object, “You can’t teach children not to hit by hitting them.” This may sound deep on the surface, but this objection fails to make basic moral distinctions. There’s a difference between appropriate discipline and violence, just as there is a difference between murder and killing. A spanking is a God-given use of force for good, punching your brother is not. To fail to distinguish these two things is to fail to understand basic goodness.
Goal of Spanking
The goal is to cleanse away evil. Proverbs 20:30 again: “Blows that wound cleanse away evil; strokes make clean the innermost parts.” We know that ultimately only God can cleanse our hearts, but believe this specific verse when God says that spankings cleanse the heart. God works through means that he appoints to certain ends, and here he says that he uses the means of spankings to purify the innermost parts. It’s crucial that we understand this.
Another goal is to drive away folly and give wisdom. Proverbs 22:15 says, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.” Proverbs 29:15 says, “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” Our whole race is fallen in Adam. Children are born sinful—folly is bound up in their hearts. We don’t have to teach children to do wrong, they do it by nature. We have to teach and train them to do right. The Bible says that the rod drives folly away and gives wisdom. You can teach your children the fear of the Lord by spanking them. Do you see how important this is? Again, only God can give the fear of the Lord, but He chooses to work through appointed means. If God chooses to make a child wise, He will most likely do that by giving him godly parents who discipline him. Will you be that godly parent, or is something else more important?
Discipline also saves from death. Proverbs 23:13–14 says, “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.” The experts may tell you that spanking your child will harm them or lead them toward death. On the contrary, the Bible says you will save their life. When they learn to obey you, they keep the commandment with a promise, that it will go well for them and their days will be long on the earth. Ask your kids, “Do you want things to go well for you? Do you want to live a long life?” Tell them you want that for them too, and God says that comes when you obey your parents. And because you love them, you will continue to correct them until they learn to obey their parents.
Discipline is also good for your enjoyment in life. It brings you rest and delight. Proverbs 29:17 says, “Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.” It’s hard at the time, frustrating, annoying, but it will bear fruit in due time, and then you will have pleasant kids that you like to be around, and who treat you and each other righteously. A well-behaved child will give you rest and joy. If you can’t muster up enough faith to discipline your children because you owe it to God, or even because you love them, at very least you could find some motivation here to do it because it will make your life easier.
This kind of teaching exposes our sin. It shows how profoundly significant the discipline of children is. It exposes the gravity of our failure to take it seriously and our failure to do it well. And as it exposes our sin, it must drive us to Christ in confession and repentance. Confess any lack of faithfulness to God and to your children in the way you have been disciplining them, and receive his forgiveness. And repent of your failures, and commit yourself before God to start doing it right today, and to keep it up until it becomes the norm in your life and your home.
Aim for their Hearts
Lastly, as you lead your children by example, instruction, and dsicipline, aim to have their hearts. Proverbs 23:26 says, “My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways.” Know your children, love your children, and have their hearts. Call them to give you their heart. Let them know that the discipline and standards you set are for them, for their good. Ask them for their heart. Let them know that you don’t just want outward behavior—you want them. This needs to be the context of all our discipline. Truly love and enjoy your children, and ask them to truly love and enjoy you. Teach them to honor and obey God from the heart, and not as hypocrites. Teach them to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit that God supplies.
The Proverbs teach us to guard our heart, for from it flows the spring of life. Jesus said a good tree makes good fruit, and a bad tree makes bad fruit. He taught us that out of the heart comes evil. Therefore, we are aiming at somthing much deeper than forced compliance with an eye roll. Jesus said a good tree produces good fruit and a bad tree produces bad fruit. You can’t just change the fruit, you need to change the nature. We need to aim all our instruction, our example, our discipline at the heart as we teach our children to love God, to love Christ, and to love righteousness because it is found in Him. So we continually point our children to Christ. We call them not only to behave, but to find forgiveness in Christ for their sin, to be transformed by Him as they look to Him, trust in Him, grow in Him, and worship Him. Because Jesus is the only hope for any of us, and He is the true King of all Wisdom.
